Monday, August 16, 2010

Sleeping With Bread

 When did I feel most connected this last week? Least connected?

Lately, in an effort to kickstart my half-hearted attempts at elimination communication, Ivy and I have been having some "naked baby time" in the mornings.  As soon as Ivy wakes up I hold her over the laundry tub to see if she'll pee for me (mostly she doesn't but occasionally she does) then I settle back into bed with her and nurse her without her clothes on so I can see if she does anything (yes, she's laying on a waterproof pad to protect the mattress).  During those times, nursing her and after she finishes eating, I think I feel more connected to her than I ever have to any other human being... ever. 

I can tell what she needs - if she's hungry my breast is right there, if she needs to pee I will see/feel it so I can change her right away, I have my hand on her soft back and I can feel if she's chilly or warm enough.  I am staring at her face and I can see if she is happy, content, sleepy, or upset.  If she wants interaction, I can smile and provide it.  I am meeting all of her needs, and for a few brief moments, she is meeting all of mine. It's almost like I can read her mind.  Granted, there isn't a ton going on inside that baby mind (which is the beauty of being a baby), but that just makes us more connected because she doesn't have all that extra junk that grown-ups have floating around in there and getting between us.  Babies can't lie or put on a happy face if they're not feeling it.

Then of course other kids come see what we're up to and that's the end of that.  But this week, those morning moments have been the times i've felt the most connected.

When have I felt the least connected?  Lately it's been when i've been thinking too much about the new house.  Like I previously posted, this whole house thing seems a bit unreal.  Since the mortgage will be in my mom's name, i've been a bit disconnected from the acquiring-the-house bits.  She keeps me very updated of course, but even so.  I feel like we're just playing make believe and we'll never actually move into the house.  I start to think all kinds of deep and ridiculous thoughts about what the purpose of life is, what the purpose of my life is.  Where am I going, why, and does it matter?  I contemplate the fact that it's been over 10 years since i've been on an airplane, and i've never been out of the country or across an ocean.  It makes me doubt the certainty of the existence of other continents (not really, but just a tiny bit).  I start to feel really disconnected from the whole world and my life.  Like i'm floating around in space and tethered to the space ship by a thin cord - not exactly hurtling wildly through the cosmos, but certainly I don't have both feet on solid ground either.  Is this how people start to go insane?  And then one day that cord snaps for good?  I hope not.  Maybe I just need more naked baby time.

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